Journaling Process

I started exploring journaling in recent years after reading different authors' take on this and listening to productivity / mindfulness influencers. 

I am not an everyday or a ‘fixed time of the day’ ‘journaler’.

I find myself gravitating towards journaling when I am having several thoughts or strong uncomfortable feelings about something that happened and am not able to process it or access my deeper feelings or thoughts. The discomfort sometimes is so huge that it does not allow me to focus on the task at hand or bring myself fully to any conversation. I occasionally also journal as a means of self study.

In essence, I use journaling as a thinking tool and not something to document my day / life. 

(I know people use journaling to record experiences which may be unique in themselves or different from everyday life. They may do this for the sheer joy of cherishing experiences, not forgetting them and hence letting a slice of life slip away, or with the hope to publish them as memoirs, self-help / how-to books, articles to guide others etc.) 

When I start writing, my mind's 'resources' which were holding the surface level thoughts start freeing up to recall more facts, and then nuances or label the feelings as they changed with each transaction. 

The surface level thoughts could be a memory of what happened / who said what / a hint of unpleasantness in my system, without knowing what emotion it is and what is the root cause of it.

I find journaling faster and more effective when I am writing using pen and paper, instead of typing it out. The spontaneous urge to journal is not inhibited by the requirements of creating files, naming and organising them etc. There is not much room to edit and keep improving what has already been inked when writing by hand, so the spotlight stays on expressing with a natural flow rather than perfecting the language and vocabulary. 

I keep the journal / notebook handy and accessible. Personally, I no longer worry about someone reading it. It is an honest conversation with myself where my focus entirely is on how ‘I’ perceived things so I do not feel fearful of being found out or hurting anyone. Another justification to not hide it in a file on the computer. 

I have discovered that revisiting what I had journaled in the past is not necessary. What has been processed at this deep level has done its job and must dissolve away. 

I keep writing at the speed that my thoughts are pouring out till all that was clouding my mind by its repetitive churning is out there and for a moment nothing more is there to say. Sometimes as I am writing, the parts that were lost start surfacing and the entire sequence has been reconstructed to my amazement. This especially is true if the journaling is done before one retires for the day, as there is something about sleep which erases some chunks thus making it difficult to reconstruct the events satisfactorily. 

Then I read what is in front of me and ask myself either the why or what is bothering me. That gives me a direction to dig deeper. 

As all the ‘memory’ is out on paper, the mind is now empty. It can look at things objectively, apply whichever framework one may want to in that moment (philosophy, personal values, psychology / Transactional Analysis etc.) and make sense of what happened, again by writing further.

At this stage, I am able to see myself better and more clearly, and if another person is involved, sometimes where they are operating from too. Over time, patterns start becoming apparent. To prevent getting into the same kind of stuckness again, I can define boundaries for myself / others. Resetting my expectations, applying some life principles/rules and updating my narrative about that relationship dynamic happens sometimes.

Sometimes, when further clarity eludes me, talking it out with someone I trust helps. 

Or it may not work that easily. Sometimes just accepting that 'it is what it is' and moving on feels calming!

Awareness, found in that moment of journaling, itself can lead to change in the longer run, if we keep at it. There is nothing more to be done in the immediate future. 

A young friend recently asked me about my journaling process as he was keen to explore this medium. The above piece is what came out of that prompt.

Journaling within an article on journaling process:

As I worked on this piece, I saw it evolve from a quick text response over WhatsApp to an email to a blog. My need to make it ‘perfect’ (without missing any aspect from my experience, then moving to factoring all generic experience that is common place) and the compulsion to ‘try hard’ for it to be published as a Linkedin post made me keep expanding the scope of this article by introducing Transactional Analysis (TA) jargon, then explaining the jargon for the uninitiated and eventually trying to align everything to the TA lens, so that the article never seemed close to getting completed. The wish to ‘please others’ wanted to get approval from someone to publish this, and get attention and appreciation as ulterior motives that I wrote this!

So I am now allowing myself to publish it on my blog the way it is. This implies there will be an ‘output’ which will not ‘be perfect’. I can come back and improve on it later to make it into a LinkedIn post. I will shift into my Adult ego state, own my agency and validate / stroke myself, so the need for attention and validation which empowers others will be mitigated. 

 

From Palash to Aakash Mallige

Assortment of colours, textures, fragrances

carelessly collected in unhurried 

walks amidst nature.

A volcano erupts, spewing pleasure!

Slow savouring of the gifts of today,

cherry picking

only blessings strewn en route.

This load generates a warmth of fulfilment.

Then what was this mad race for more they mentioned?

Amassing wealth and fame you think.

Along sneaks in something more

and then more...

Today is the Day

My brother was suffering from Jaundice and very critical and hospitalised. And here I was, to visit him in a rainy New Delhi with my husband and two daughters aged four and two years respectively. We were put up at a dharmshala across the road from the hospital. The canteen within the premises was exemplary, with staff boys who were always smiling despite occasional tiffs from some impatient attendant or some recuperating patient herself. Clearly, service was their only motto. The proprietor of the canteen had put up a white board on which he penned positive reflections on life before every meal, which I began looking forward to. 

The canteen itself felt eerie once in a while; death loomed so close. A jovial man, with his head cocooned in bandage, talked incessantly to probably eclipse reality or ease the pain, for he was terminally ill. A middle aged lady diagnosed with cancer, undergoing chemotherapy, had hair just sprouting out of her scalp. Children can ask taboo questions very casually, my elder daughter asked, “Why has Aunty got such short hair?” To which she quipped smilingly, “I had no hair, it started growing only recently”.  There was a small girl with bandage on her head, perhaps a major surgery. And all of them so matter-of-fact all this while, comfortable sharing tables and conversations with strangers, dignified despite illness and so respectful of illness!  

My girls being the age they are, were usually up to some dancing, singing or talking which would attract the attention of diners in the small room, compelling some to smile and some to approach and talk to them. It felt good to see these extensions of my being spreading some cheer to the otherwise solemn atmosphere. A staff boy walked up to us and handed a packet of ‘Mata’s suhag pitari’ to my younger daughter. Our spontaneous reaction was “This is not ours!” and then came the realisation. They saw the Divine in my toddler. This is faith; a faith and goodwill that the canteen and its people had established and were everyday passing on to all who partook bread there, some of it was surely percolating through my soul.

Once my brother started responding to treatment, he was allowed to travel back. We too packed our bags and headed home wards. En-route I lost my mobile phone. I was very disturbed as to how could I lose it being the careful person I am! Words from the Geeta Saar that I had read at the canteen the same morning echoed through my consciousness – “What did you bring here that you have lost!” It was surprisingly easy for me to let go of the thought of the loss. Another thought however replaced it. That which I lost was just my mobile phone, maybe precious to me for the contact numbers lost with the handset memory and the part of my identity that I shared with the phone, now in the hands of a total stranger. What about the loss of a loved one or a family member or a dear friend? After all, we were so perilously close to such a situation.  What about me dying? Will it be so easy to let go? No. However, what is it that I would do in such a circumstance? I don’t know. Is there anything that I can do about it today? Maybe yes. Be a positive person, value my family and friends for what they are, forgive and forget conflicts, ignore the trivia and focus on the bigger picture of life so that when these precious people are no more in this world or I have to move on, the one feeling of remorse for a relationship unfulfilled would not be there. That is all I can do for that dreaded tomorrow. And once I have done this, perhaps I would not dread that tomorrow as much!

Divya Jalan

September 29, 2010

Yoga Se Hi Hoga

I started Yoga quite late in life. Having always been fluid in terms of the timing of personal and domestic tasks on my schedule and also believing that habits are just mechanical coercions of the brain, I needed to find out why was I doing Yoga and how was it important to me, if I wanted to sustain my newly commenced practice. This need was rooted in my verified and validated viewpoint that once the ‘why’ of ‘what’ you do is sorted, the how, when, where and who find a way of getting worked out.

Hence, here was my moot question to myself during my practice every morning — Why do I do Yoga?

And I found the responses tumbling out of a deep recess of body intelligence every time my physical being was engaged in asanas and feeling rewarded by the sweet aches of the stretches and the soothing relief of counter stretches.

I don’t do Yoga to manage my weight.

I do it for my holistic well being. 

And this is how —

Yoga adds to my routine and gives me a meaningful morning ritual, giving a springboard start to my day.

Yoga keeps me physically fit and gives enhanced stamina. I find myself doing more without feeling exhausted or tired. 

Yoga makes me stretch my muscles, making them stronger and my body flexible, supple and stable.

Yoga helps me have stronger bones as bones that take load become stronger and have reduced  chances of fracture.

Yoga aids in keeping my knee cap in place by strengthening my quadriceps and hamstrings.

Yoga helps me have a stronger back, thus helping me hold myself up straight, leading to better posture and body image.

Yoga keeps me emotionally fit as menopause is closing in on me and I get ready to cross over to the other side with a sense of well being and accountability for myself.

Yoga assists me to be more aware of my movements, stay balanced and coordinated and avoid falls. It helps me counter osteoporosis in a body which is making less oestrogen and having lowered bone mass density (BMD). 

Yoga helps in keeping my body toned and generally looking better as an add-on gift.

Yoga gives me the motivation to eat timely, healthy, mindfully and only as much as my body requires.

Yoga helps me fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed. By itself, it gives me the satisfaction of a day spent well.

Pranayaam at the end of Yogasanas allows to become aware of my breathing, slow it down and connect with my body. I am able to deal with tormenting and complex emotions and still find myself smiling. 

Meditation facilitates looking inwards, clearing my mind and commencing the day with a fresh and positive outlook.

Yoga silences the inner chatter to anchor me in spirituality — that I am but a soul in this body, on a journey, and only an instrument of a greater scheme.

What I feel inside is magnificent. 

What I look on the outside seems to fade into insignificance.

Should be ----> Is

I am bursting with ideas of what could be a possible tangible gift for my daughter's 17th birthday tomorrow. Except that I am almost out of time. 

Words, yes words of wisdom are what I will send to her.

Therein emerges this above piece, from cues collected post an erstwhile discussion between us on the matter of a mild accent in her speech while uttering certain sounds. 

Smugness is the feeling rising in me after the words have been inked onto the almost dried paint, their soft melting into the lingering wetness raising the satisfaction to its crescendo.

In a flash follows humility. Easy come the words and the wisdom. The test is to live by them.

To watch the should-be trappings of one's own mind.

स्रोत

हम सभी कामना करते हैं कि हमारे परिवारजन, मित्र और परिचित अपने अपने जीवन में सुखी रहें। हम सभी, अपनी बातों और व्यवहार से प्रयत्न भी यही करते हैं की हम किसी को दुःख ना पहुँचाएँ। हम सभी अपना जीवन धर्म निभाते हैं — उसके अंजाम स्वरूप हम दूसरों के जीवन में कुछ पल सुख के जाने अनजाने में बिखेरते रहते हैं।

व्यक्तित्व और चरित्र के धनी इसकी अनुभूति तुरंत कर लेते हैं और अपनी कृतज्ञता को दर्शाने में कोई कमी नहीं रखते हैं। कुछ शब्द अथवा व्यवहार कुशलता के मितव्ययी प्राणी, समझ कर भी इस भाव को व्यक्त नहीं कर पाते! और कुछ सम्बंध ऐसे बन जाते हैं जहाँ इस प्रकार के प्रदर्शन की गुंजाइश ही नहीं होती!

अब प्रश्न यह उठता है कि ख़ुशी का स्रोत क्या है?
या यूँ कहें कि ज़िंदगी का उद्देश्य क्या है?

ये कुछ विचार ग़ौर करने योग्य हैं! लगते काफ़ी समान हैं पर इनमें सूक्ष्म भिन्नता है ——

पहला — दूसरों की ख़ुशी की कामना करना। दूसरों की ख़ुशी से स्वयं को ख़ुश पाना!

दूसरा — कार्य इस हेतु करना कि अन्य को ख़ुशी मिले।

तीसरा — अपना कर्म करना, धर्म निभाना।

मेरी समझ में, मात्र इस आख़री हरकत पर हमारा वश है। दूसरों को ख़ुशी देना हमारे कार्य क्षेत्र के सीमित दायरे में समा नहीं सकता। शायद मानव का अहंकार होता है जो इस सोच को पनपने की ऊर्जा देता है।

ख़ैर…

ये एक विडम्बना है — ख़ुशी — अपनी तो कर्म पूर्ति के संतोष मात्र से भी प्राप्त हो जाती है। पर की, हमारे वश से परे है। हर निज को अपना स्रोत तलाशना ही होगा!

तो फिर, क्या है आपके जीवन का उद्देश्य? 

स्वयं प्रासन्न रहना? 

अथवा अन्य लोगों की ख़ुशी की मृग-मरीचिका को छूना?

तपिश

चटक इन्द्रधनुषी रंग लपेटे 

नाना प्रकार, विस्मयीं आकार समेटे ।

सींचाई करते दुलार, नमीं, पोषण, धूप

ऋतु आगमन उपरांत ही खिलते हैं पुष्प ॥

कुछ सूर्य का मुख चूम चूम 

कई रात्रि की शीतलता में झूम झूम ।

अवधि कुसुमित रहने की विविध

असीम आभा! कहाँ उस पर आश्रित ॥

खिलने को प्रयत्नशील हर कलि इठलाये

तुलना की तपिश में नज़ाकत कुमल्हा ना जाये ।

हर ख़ुशबू रूहानी, चिर परिचित

प्रोत्साहन की चाह, हृदय में निहित ॥

इक इक फूल करता बगिया को कृत-रचित

झिलमिलाती संगीत संध्या हर नृत्य से सुशोभित ।

स्नेह, सराहना सबकी सर आँखों पर लिये 

हम आशीर्वाद के लिए सदैव झोली फैलाये खड़े ॥

~  दिव्या

नमस्ते !

बच्चियों ने पारिवारिक नृत्य संध्या में भाग लिया और उनकी रचना एवं प्रस्तुति की भरपूर प्रसंशा हुई। हमारा मन उनकी इस कोशिश की कामयाबी से पुलकित हुआ जाता था! 

योजना में घर के अन्य छोटे बड़े बच्चों ने भी हिस्सा लिया था। उनकी प्रतिभा, शैली और प्रयत्नों को नकारती सी प्रतीत हुई वाहवाही एवं टिप्पणियाँ — जब चर्चा सिर्फ़ दो बच्चों की दुहरायी जा रही थी और उन्हें अव्वल दर्जा प्रदान किया जा रहा था।

उस चिंतन से उपजी है यह कविता। उम्मीद रखती हूँ कि यह मेरे भाव व्यक्त कर पायी !

पढ़ने के लिए धन्यवाद। 

आप अपने विचार कॉमेंट्स सेक्शन में लिख कर मुझ तक पहुँचा सकते हैं।